By age fourteen, I had mastered the art of being a double agent.
I could subtly and tactfully pledge allegiance to two totally different points of view without either side ever suspecting my indecisiveness. I had no qualms about dissing a movie with one friend, and then raving about it with another. I could enthusiastically engage in liberal discussions at college, and then come home and have conservative conversations with family. I have listened to my mom tell her side of a story, and later my dad tell his, and all I did was calmly nod along with both in validation of their complaints.
This, of course, is a side-effect of being both a people-pleaser and an avoider of conflict. Agreeing with people is the easiest way to make friends… or at least, that is what I told myself as I wrestled with my identity of having a weak spine.*
(*Ironically, I do have scoliosis, but that part of my identity-crisis is a whole different battle.)
What I failed to realize, until very recently, is that my reluctance to “pick a side” should in no way interfere with my need to “take a stand.”
I believe that taking a stand doesn’t have to mean picking a side and that the right path isn’t always the easiest.
I don’t think the value of taking a stand needs to be explained, but I will throw this proverb of unknown origins out there because it’s catchy and is the concept of my favorite TFK album: “If you don’t stand for something, you might fall for anything.”
When I first came up with the title for this blog – Life on the Fence – I truly was struggling with indecisiveness. I had my head in the clouds. I wasn’t very realistic or grounded. From picking a favorite superhero to discussing politics to major life decisions, I was on the fence about everything.
But taking a stand is not always about picking sides, and making a decision isn’t always about making people happy. If there is a side that does seem a better option than another, then yes, go stand on that side. Stand there firmly, confidently, unabashedly.
But if all of the options have some validity, or if none of them do, then take a stand on the fence. Straddle the line between the differences and unite them into a new viewpoint. Reject all the options and create your own outside of their limiting boundaries. Never settle on choosing something less-than because you feel like you don’t have a choice. Never pretend just one thing is good enough when you are capable of having more.
In looking at all the things I wasn’t able to make up my mind about, I see the problem lied with how I looked at my choices. This-or-that. It’s like that Robert Frost line… two roads diverge in a yellow wood… and we always assume you have to pick one or the other.
But what about going back the way you came? What about trying one road, and then backtracking and trying the other? What about settling down right at the crossroads? What about off-roading in a different direction? What about climbing those yellow trees?
Any option you take, any choice you make… is you taking a stand. It’s you pointing and saying “This! This is what I want! This is what I believe! This is where I’m going!”
This world is so incredibly complex that it couldn’t possibly be simplified into black-and-white terms. But we do anyway because it’s easy. That’s why “the right path isn’t always the easiest” is a related concept.
You might take a stand in a place far away from others, leaving you to fight alone. You might take a stand with an idea that isn’t popular, forcing you to swim against the current. You might take a stand that allows you to agree with other ideas, to an extent. You might take a stand that is considered stupid or crazy or impossible. You might lose friends. You might have to put in some work. You might have to face consequences. But none of those side-effects invalidate the reasons you took that stance in the first place. If you believe something is right*, then it is right no matter how difficult it is to stand for it.
*And if you are ever unsure of what to think about something, that is a stand in and of itself. Take a stand in indecision and be purposeful about what you learn, how you learn it, and at what point and in what direction your stance is swayed.
I still find myself holding back sometimes, not wanting to share my complete opinion when I know it will cause conflict or change people’s perceptions of me. Sometimes I don’t feel eloquent enough to explain why I believe a certain way. But it’s something I’ve been actively working on more and more. I know that if I lose a friend because I spoke up for my stance on an issue, that person wasn’t really a friend. And I know that if I compromise on my beliefs or decisions just to avoid a few arguments, I won’t ever truly believe or decide on anything. I’ll live a directionless life that has no structure, no purpose, no drive.
It’s not easy, but the right path rarely is.
This is the first statement of my personal “manifesto,” a declaration of the current beliefs guiding my life at this particular point in time. Go here to read all ten statements, and stand by for the next post on statement number two….
Life on the Fence 